Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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