Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
