Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
