Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
