u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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