he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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