I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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