I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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