his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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