the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize