a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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