I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
