Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
