also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
