My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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