Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
