I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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