My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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