if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
