i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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