At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
