I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
