i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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