nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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