took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
