If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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