my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
