I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
