I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
