sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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