dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
