He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
