he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
