so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
