i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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