This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
