No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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