Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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