you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
