I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
