I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
