Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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