I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
