I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
