I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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