You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
