is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
