I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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