Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
