You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
