just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
