they need to just BURY HIM!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
