Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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