We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
