I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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