Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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