And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
