i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
