I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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