I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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