u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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