I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
