The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
