I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
