just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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