batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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