Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
