I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
