I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
