I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
