If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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