Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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