I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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