I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize